0007: Hug children after you discipline them.

I have not always been a hugging person. It’s not that I come from a family that didn’t show affection for one another – every night my parents would read books and sing songs with my sister and me before bed. We would, and still do, say, “I love you” and hug and kiss (though now on the cheek) when we see each other.

In college, my friends were huggers. I didn’t really understand why after spending an afternoon or evening with one of them, who I knew I would see in just another day or two, needed a hug. That was until my friends, and subsequently I, started moving away. I realized there is nothing more comforting than a hug – that little embrace that reminds you that person, that relationship, is someone or something to hold closely.

We should remember this – the act of hugging – when we discipline.

When we discipline, we raise our voices, we criticize, and more times than not, we overreact. We take a negative situation, action, or experience, try to correct it, and often make it worse, leaving the discipline receiver feeling down and sometimes emotionally destroyed.

But does discipline always have to be negative? Can we learn from being disciplined or disciplining? Why not take the negative situation, that disciplining moment, and make it a learning experience, a moment to remind ourselves that while things don’t always go smoothly or without discipline, it’s the people in our lives that will make any situation better.

We hug each other when we are happy and we hug each other in sadness or times of need. But after we have or have been disciplined, a hug is more important than ever. Understand the situation, the issue, or action, learn from it, and then hug it out. We should use that hug to remind ourselves and the other party involved that while things don’t always go right, the other person is still important to us and someone we want to keep close. Because it is these people that ultimately will pick us up and get us back on your feet.

0006: Have a firm handshake.

A simple handshake can say a lot about who you are. Are you a firm handskaker? A bone-crushing handhsaker? A limpy handshaker? Are you a handshaker at all? When I shake your hand, I should be able to tell who you are, what you are all about, what you stand for, your story. I want a good handshake, not something that leaves me cold or feeling like I don’t care.

CareerBuilder says “no matter the basis of your handshake, it should become part of your repertoire. Handshakes are a sign of trust and help build strong relationships.” But not all handshakes give off that aura.

CareerBuilder’s 10 handshakes to avoid:

1. The “macho cowboy”… is the almost bone-crunching clasp many businessmen use to shake hands. What are they trying to prove, anyway? There’s no need to demonstrate your physical strength when shaking another person’s hand.
2. The wimp… is usually delivered by men who are afraid to “hurt the little lady” when shaking women’s hands. Modern female professionals expect their male counterparts to convey the same respect they’d show their male colleagues.
3. The “dead fish”… conveys no power. While there’s no need to revert to the macho cowboy death grip, a firm clasp is more powerful than one that barely grabs the hand.
4. The “four finger”… is when the person’s hand never meets your palm, and instead clasps all four fingers, crushing them together.
5. The cold and clammy… feels like you’re shaking hands with a snake. Warm up your hand first before grabbing someone else’s.
6. The sweaty palm… is pretty self-explanatory, and pretty gross. Talcum powder to the rescue.
7. The “I’ve got you covered” grip… happens when the other person covers your hand with his or her left hand as if your shake is secretive.
8. The “I won’t let go”… seems to go on for eternity because the other person won’t drop his or her hand. After two or three pumps, it’s time to let go. “It’s a lot like a kiss – you know when it’s over,” Brody says.
9. The “southpaw”… happens when the person uses the left hand to shake because the right hand has food or a drink. Always carry your drink and plate with your left hand to keep your right one free for meet and greets.
10. The “ringed torture”… occurs when the person’s rings hurt your hand. Try to limit the number of rings you wear on the right hand to only one or two and be mindful of any that have large stones.
    

Are you one of these handshakers? If so, what does it say about who you are and who you are projecting yourself to be?

There is a man that used to sit in the pew in front of me at Beth Jacob every Shabbos. And every Shabbos we would exchange greetings with a handshake. He was, and probably still is, a “Wimp” handskaker. With every passing week, I would hope and, no pun intended, pray he would firm it up. But no. It was the weakest handshake ever. It would drive me crazy week in and week out. Why was his handshake so wimpy? Was it really because I am a woman and he didn’t want to crush my “feminine hands”? Please.

When you shake my hand, shake it well. Shake it so I know your story and who you are. Shake it like you mean it…

0005: Overtip breakfast waitresses.

Second to a romantic dinner out on the town, breakfast just might be my favorite meal to have out of the house. There’s something about going to a diner or breakfast establishment or Al’s Breakfast, having a really bad cup of coffee, indulging in some breakfast grease, returning home, and curling up back in bed, simultaneously basking in and regretting the menu decisions made earlier that morning.

While we go to breakfast at a leisurely time, I never thought to stop and think about the wait staff. Now, those who have been to the best breakfast place on earth, I mean Al’s, will know and agree that those working there are not really working – they are thoroughly enjoying themselves. However, this is not always the case. I have certainly been, as I’m sure we all have, to those breakfast joints where the wait staff is less-than-pleased to be up early, serving us ungracious guests stale coffee and mushy hash brown potatoes.

So maybe that extra dollar or two will help. Maybe, just maybe that extra somethin’ somethin’ we leave behind will brighten their day so much so that the next time we frequent said breakfast establishment, the coffee will be less stale, the hash browns will be a bit crispier, and we will indeed be served with a smile.

Well, that is unless you’re dining at Al’s – and if that’s the case, just charge your breakfast to Harry’s book (he worked at Al’s, you know) and drop a $5 on the counter in gratitude to those who served up those amazing Wheat Wally Blues or that 2-Egg José.

0004: Remember other people's birthdays.

I like to think I am pretty good about remembering people’s birthdays. In the Digital Age in which we live, remembering birthdays becomes less of a task and more of a daily habit. With the help of Facebook, whose little behind-the-scenes mongrels not only graciously send me a weekly email reminder, but also happily post a reminder on my homepage, I am instantly notified of upcoming birthdays for those with whom I am close, and even not so close.

Even with the ease of the Facebook birthday reminder emails and daily notifications, it is still easy to miss or forget someone’s special day. Some choose, for multiple reasons, not to post their birthdays, others use pretend birthdays to fool those identity thieves out there, and others, believe it or not, *gasp*, don’t have Facebook profiles (hard to believe, but yes, it’s true!). It is for these reasons I also keep a monthly calendar with birthdays of my favorites written in. Two examples of how this saved me:

1. Every year I always remember an old colleague’s birthday. We no longer work together, haven’t in almost five years now, but I continue to send him a birthday email, wishing him well. One year, I missed the birthday email, unintentionally, of course, but no email was sent, nonetheless. My good friend and former colleague called me out on it when I saw him next. He noted he really looks forward to the simple email wishing him a happy birthday. Never again will I forget.
2. A current colleague, at least for the next two and a half weeks, is new to Facebook and a bit skeptical of those aforementioned identity thieves. Not long ago I logged on to Facebook for my daily fix (ok, one of many daily fixes) and saw it was said colleague’s birthday. I, of course, Skyped her immediately to wish her a happy birthday. She laughed and then reminded me her birthday was in another 12 days. I looked up at my wall calendar and indeed (of course) she was right – it was there on my calendar, on the correct day.

So have social media networks taken over our lives? (I think we all know the answer to this one…) Do we rely more and more on what we see and read online (and on Facebook) than the newspaper, television news broadcasts, and our own personal calendars? And if so, it is socially acceptable to wish someone a happy birthday, or anything else for that matter, on such networks? And are birthdays often overlooked as insignificant if they are not milestone years or is it perfectly acceptable to make a stink about the day every time it comes around (as my BFF and I do)?

Birthdays come but once a year… make note and wish those in your life a fabulous day.

A special Happy Birthday to my favorite cripple, Lucas!



Note: In no way was intended to be a reminder that my birthday is indeed on the horizon. “Remember other people’s birthdays.” is in fact the fourth entry in the book.

0003: Watch a sunrise at least once a year.

On average it takes 2-3 minutes for the sun to rise. So why is it we never actually watch the sun rise? Yes, the sun rises literally at the crack of dawn, and yes, we all like our sleep, but if it really only takes 2-3 minutes for the sun to rise, shouldn’t we be able to drag ourselves out of bed to see it happen at least once a year?

Though I'm not one to talk. While I am a self-proclaimed “morning person”, I never find myself getting up or at least looking out the window or finding the perfect spot to watch the sun rise.

The last time I recall watching a sunrise was two and a half years ago, when in Israel on Birthright. We had been up half the night camping in the Negev in Bedouin tents where we actually watched the sun set the night before. We were woken up mere hours after we fell asleep, piled into our bus the next morning, and were swept off to Masada. We hiked up the old battle fortress as quickly as possible, and then it happened: the sun rose:
We watched in silence; the only sounds heard were the snapping of cameras… no one wanted to miss this. It truly was one of the most beautiful, breathtaking, and dare I say spiritual, sunrises I have ever experienced. And while it was the “crack of dawn”, it was totally worth it.

In the words of John Denver:

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

0002: Have a dog.

Dogs have always been referred to as “man’s best friend”. Maybe it’s because they follow you around all day, don’t mind being on a leash when going for a walk around the block, will chase after a ball when you throw it across the yard, and will lick the scraps off your dinner plate. Or maybe it’s because they are sad to see you leave, will often sit by the door or peer out the window until you get home, and undoubtedly will greet you at with a wagging tail upon your return.

I never had a dog growing up. Yes, I had goldfish, whom I named again and again with each new pair Ernie and Bert, but never a dog. My best friend, with whom I spent every waking, and on most weekends non-waking, moment of my childhood, did. Did I miss out on a childhood experience that now, as an adult, I don’t crave? Does having a dog define our lives or shape who we are? And what does it mean for those of us who don’t have a furry friend swaggering around the house.

Maybe it’s not the dogs in our lives that make us who we are. Maybe, it’s the idea of the dog. The idea that there is someone, or something, with unconditional love towards us out there, willing to go anywhere, no matter how far, for us. And whether they have two or four legs, they are indeed our best friends.

While I am not the proud owner of a dog myself, which I am totally ok with, here are my three favorite four-legged friends:

Rinna (L), Max (C), Ripley (R)

And though I don’t see them (or their owners) all that often anymore, they (both the pooches and their owners) warm my heart every time… even though they’re not mine…

0001: Compliment three people every day.

Merriam and Webster, of dictionary fame, define a compliment as “an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration”. Complimenting, then, should come naturally. When our senses take over and we encounter something that suits our fancy, it should only be natural for us to pay a compliment. But how often do we pipe up. And, if compliments should come naturally, why is it I can only think of one instance today where I paid one.

This morning I noticed my colleague had on the most exquisite jeweled bracelet and earrings and I told her so, but was that really the only compliment I handed out? My colleague was appreciative of my sentiment and we went on to discuss her accessories for at least another 10 minutes. My comment on her jewelry choices today made her smile, and at 10:00 in the morning on a Thursday, that’s not bad. And in return, she paid a compliment right back at me. Totally unexpected, she noted how she liked my funky flowered fuchsia shirt. While I’d previously worn the shirt, today, out of thin air, she complimented me on it. And it, too, made me smile.

Compliments, whether big or small, can go a long way. They can turn a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, into something fantastic. We should all compliment three people, at least three people, a day. But don’t compliment just to compliment. Compliment because you mean it. And mean it. Because when someone pays you a compliment, whether you’re expecting it or not, it can really make your day.

Invitation

In the introduction to -The Complete- Life’s Little Instruction Book®, H. Jackson Brown, Jr. explains as his son was preparing to start his freshman year of college, Brown “felt that a collection of the insights and discoveries which had positively influenced [his] own life might be an appropriate gift to commemorate this important event.” He compiled a list of 511 entries and sent his son off to college with a list of wisdoms as an “attempt to help [his son’s] heart as well as his head to know the way.”

For me there is no important event, but rather an opportunity to get back into one of my biggest passions: writing. I perused the stacks at my local Barnes and Noble for inspiration – and I found it. I found it in Brown’s list of wisdoms for his son. If Brown found these little bits of his soul to be important for his son, I too could learn something.

So tomorrow begins my journey through the 1,560 bits of wisdom from the full compilation of three volumes of Life’s Little Instruction Book®, by H. Jackson Brown, Jr. What I will learn is both exciting and terrifying all at once, but I invite you to join me and welcome your thoughts as well.

Tonight I will leave you with my favorite poem (“Invitation”) by my favorite poet (Shel Silverstein):

If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer ...
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!

-LIZ-